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Dikter om sorg

I’ll just be the outcast

I avoid most people
because they make me feel
And I hate that shit

I prefer being numb
I prefer my days on repeat
People tend to fuck that up
They always come up with all this shit
Shit that turn my world upside down
And I can’t handle that

I prefer to distance myself from the people around me
We can chat
Fake a smile
That’s okey
But not really talk
Not really smile
In that way I can still be shut down
and calm

But as soon as I feel someone touching me underneath my skin
When someone succeed with ripping my mask of
The “I don’t care or feel anything for anyone or anything”-mask I fought so hard to put up with
I freak out

It starts with the sickest combination of feelings hitting me like a punch in the face
Then it turns out to be more of a fucking tornado
And then my thoughts starts to spin
Around and around they go
Faster than no living creature or machine could ever be
My brain can’t handle all that
It all happens in a split second
I go in fight or flight - straight A panic mode
And as soon as that cycle is on
There’s no way out for me
I’m trapped inside myself and I can’t get out
When all that I ever wanted was to get out
Be free from this hell of a prison I’m captured in
My body
My brain
My own worst enemy

But I want you to know that I’m sorry
I’m so so sorry
For always running away
For cancelling plans
For never ‘wanting’ to be a part of all the fun things you want to do

Because most of the times
I would actually love to stay

Stay and talk, laugh, spend some real quality time with you
Maybe have a drink or ten
Stay up way to late because we’re to busy talking about everything life has to offer
Maybe even share a hug
Or a bitchslap if that’s what you prefer
Without feeling like it breaks my whole fucking chest
Without having to watch my whole safe wall tremble in front of me

So to my loved ones
And to all the people around me who doesn’t deserve to be ignored
Who doesn’t deserve to watch my back as I walk away
Every time
I’m so terribly sorry for being the worse;
human, friend, sister and daughter

And I know that the word “sorry” doesn’t mean shit, unless you really do something about it
Something to change it
But I can’t
I’m stuck here and I’ve been this way since I was a kid

But when I say I’m sorry
I want you to know that I mean it
with every fiber of my human and spiritual being
It breaks me more than what you can ever imagine
To keep on walking away
Sitting alone in the dark every night
Obsessively repairing all the cracks you’ve done during the day
Just to put it all back up again
Hoping it’ll stay stronger this time
Giving me less building-it-all-back-up-again work
Not again
A whole nights of sleep gone
Due to spending it repairing
Constantly building shit up just to watch it crash right in-front of your eyes over and over again
It’s exhausting
But I can’t stop

I can’t let people in
I can’t allow them to make me feel
Because that gives them power over me
People leave, people tell lies just to get what they want, people hurt me
I know they do because that’s what they’ve always done
And that’s what fucking kills me
I’m not even sure if there’s anything left of me anymore
I’ve been hurt so many times now
In the most horrible ways
I’m sick of it
I’m sick of giving people the power to break me
Not only am I talking about “heartbreak”
It’s so much more than that…
I’m talking about everything

Destroying my faith in humanity, messing up my head, breaking my trust, ruining my ability to love, ruining the way I look at myself
Making me treat myself just as bad as they did
Because of them I started to believe I didn’t deserve any better
It’s all a fucking mess
I was turned into a fucking mess

For every time someone let me down
Break my trust
Hurt me
Physically and mentally
I loose a part of myself
And I’ve lost counts of all the parts that’s gone lost just because of people treating me like the dirt they walk on

“There’s nothing left to save now”

So you have to understand that
is the only way I know how to survive
in a world that was never designed for me to live in.
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1 feb 22 - 22:16
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